A Steaming Pile of...

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Nuclear-Fridge's avatar
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I'd better set things straight here at the start. I didn't watch Star Trek Into Darkness. I have no plans to watch the film. I shall go to my grave knowing that I haven't watched the film.

What I do know of the "exciting" plot I have gleaned from online reviews, complaints, and howling shit-fits... and from what I gather I'm glad I haven't bothered with the film.

As far as I can tell, the writers went back to Wrath of Khan and stole some "way cool" bits, like the super-genius dude from the 20th century. This real smart dude is then made to invent a deadly plot device to kill all the Klingons by some Starfleet Admiral guy who hates Klingons because they killed his son or something. Said Admiral has built a big giant mega-starship called "USS Vengeance" which he'll use to fire the deadly plot device at the Klingons' home planet. (Why not just call it "USS Kill Kill Kill! Destroy All Klingon SOBs!!!"? No one at Starfleet Command will ever notice.)

The only hope to stop awful terrible mayhem and stuff is James T. "Sexbomb" Kirk. Only he's just been shitcanned on Spock's say-so. Just like Spock did when Jimbo dicked around with his Kobayashi Maru test in the Academy.

There are explosions. Maybe even lens flares.

When Admiral Nutjob's plan to kill all the Klingons comes totally unstuck, he does the only sensible thing. He decides to turn his giant mega-starship around and go blow up the capital planet of the Federation: San Francisco. Because.

There are more explosions.

Jim Kirk saves San Francisco and everyone living on it. His cool Fifties space hot-rod then crashes into the water, just missing the Golden Gate Bridge. The super-genius dude is thrown into a giant freezer - located somewhere near the Golden Gate Bridge - for being bad. The End.

There is almost certainly another massively huge explosion.

Okay. I understand that there are (some) people who have watched the film and liked it. I can even accept that there are people who will shout "WTF! How can this asshole pass judgement on a film he won't even watch!"

Answer: I don't have time to waste on watching films I won't enjoy. I recently sat through Prometheus. Having watched it, I really wish I hadn't. Excellent production, great actors, brilliant director... and a story that was a steaming pile of horse arse. There were "twists" in Prometheus that had me shaking my head. Things that were so nonsensical, cliched, or blatantly signposted that I started wanting the entire crew to die of being so fucking stupid. Happily, most of them did. Into Crapness is an exponential level worse...

From what I understand, the 'story' is simply a disjointed series of mismatched ideas with just enough elements pulled from the original TV show and old movies to mollify the 'sad, middle-aged fanbase'. Viewers under the age of 32 won't understand the irony. Gaping plot holes are papered over with money-shot explosions. There are an awful lot of explosions... To make things really exciting, the Bad Guy has to try and blow up Earth. To save some time, he'll try to blow up San Francisco instead. This is because 'everybody' knows about the Golden Gate Bridge. Having a giant evil death-ray firing at the Golden Gate Bridge will tell the audience that San Francisco (sorry, Earth) is about to be destroyed. Scary!

The Bad Guy's super-huge spaceship is way bigger than the heroes' ship... but it only has a crew of four and a half people, including one guy whose sole job it is to charge in through a doorway and get shot dead in his tracks by Hero Guns.

This isn't scriptwriting. This is scribbling on the back of a used envelope and inserting terms like "WTF!!!", "Woot!!!", and "LOL!!!" What gets up my nose is that people got paid for perpetrating this 'story' on the world.

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irvingb's avatar
This isn't scriptwriting. This is scribbling on the back of a used envelope and inserting terms like "WTF!!!", "Woot!!!", and "LOL!!!" What gets up my nose is that people got paid for perpetrating this 'story' on the world.

Brings to mind something Roger Ebert said about another loud and stupid movie back in 1998:

"'Armageddon' reportedly used the services of nine writers. Why did it need any?  The dialogue is either shouted one-liners or romantic drivel.  'It's gonna blow!' is used so many times, I wonder if every single writer used it once, and then sat back from his word processor with a contented smile on his face, another day's work done."

:-)